Saturday, October 29, 2011

My book. yeeeah.

It's August 29th,  the first day of High School. As I walk through the doors of Watterville High, i look around for my best friend Jordan Smith. I'm already feeling overwhelmed as i head down the main hallway to my first class. When i hear a familiar "Jade!" and before i turn around i know its Jordan calling my name. "Jordan" I yell back and she embraces me in a hug. "I got my schedule changed! We have every single class together" as she waves her crumpled schedule in my face. I grab it, and scan it over, "What? no way! how?" We turn and start walking down the hallway together as i start thinking to myself, maybe this year won't be so bad after all. We get to our first class, Earth science *INSERT TEACH NAME HERE WHEN I DECIDE ON A NAME.* and hesitate before walking in the doors. I scan the room there's two open seats in the back of the room. So we head over and sit down side by side and i ask, "So how'd you manage to get your schedule changed?" Jordan smiles and says, "I have my ways." "So your not going to tell me?" "I told them they screwed up my schedule by putting me in the wrong math class, and by switching that they threw off the rest of my schedule, it was just pure luck!" "Im so happy you got it changed! I don't think i could face all this without you." As the bell for first period goes off, our teacher Mrs.Hersh walks through the door. "Hello class" followed by a bunch of mumbles and grunts of hello from the rest of the class. She walks over to her desk and picks up a stack of papers and passes them out. I look over at Jordan, and she sighs and rolls her eyes as i stifle a laugh. I start reading the paper I was handed, the top of the form reading "Earth Science Class Syllabus." Mrs. Hersh goes on and on reading about the classroom rules, expectations and guide lines for the year. Halfway through her speech i stopped listening and started wondering about how the rest of today is going to go. First period seems to drag on and on, but finally the bell rings. We gather up our things and dash out of the classroom. "That was the longest 60 minutes EVER" said jordan once we walked out of Mrs. Hershs hearing. "Omg. i know! i was about to fall asleep, we shouldnt even be awake right now" "oh god, i know, do you know where our next class is?" "I think so, but ill grab my map out of my bag, just to be sure." "Im supposed to meet brody outside our next class room, so we need to hurry!" "60 minutes is too long for you guys to be apart, you might die if you don't see him!" i say as i roll my eyes at Jordan. She leans over and slaps my arm, taunting "Yeah yeah yeah, your just jealous!" "whatever." We finally find mr.Taylors classroom and when we do Brodys leaning casually outside looking around waiting to spot Jordan."I'll leave you two love birds alone" I say as i walk into the classroom alone. "I've missed you" Jordan squeels as she runs up and hugs Brody. "You too baby" he says as he pulls away, leaning in to kiss her. "What do you have this period?" Jordan asks. "Luckily, im right across the hall, in geometry." he bearly finishes his sentence as the bell dings. "Meet me after" Jordan says and she dashes into the classrom and takes her seat next to me. I sit here watching each new person enter the room, but nobody too terrible has entered yet. I see Jordan making her way to the back of the room. Then she plops down right beside me. We sit here in silence observing everyone else in the classroom. It's now been at least five minutes into the period and there is no sign of Mr.Taylor. So Jordan and I are just talking about what our plans are for this weekend. Jordans midsentence when i stop her, my jaw drops at the sight of him. Mike. I haven't seen him in two weeks or talked to him in over a week since we broke up. He called me from vacation, saying he needed time and space. But assured me we can still be friends. I haven't heard from him since. Jordan turns "what? Omg are you okay?" she whispers as she touches my hand. "Yeah im fine" i manage as i cover my face with my hand. I can't believe hes in here, out of all the freaking math classes in this school he has to be in mine?! I take one deep breathe and turn my back towards Mike assuring Jordan im alright. Finally Mr.Taylor walks into class, "sorry i was late class, i was stuck in a meeting, lets get started. First on our adjenda, assigned seats. I'll call out your last name and point to a desk, gather your things and move to your new seat." I glance at Jordan and she does a fake impression of a gun being pointed to her head, normally i would of laughed. If i wasn't so nervous. Please please let there be a lot of people in here with the last name starting with N, or my life is officially over at the age of thirteen. Mr.Taylor starts calling out letter after letter and im getting closer and closer to accepting my fate. When finally Nash is called out Im in the middle of the 3rd row, not to bad of a seat until Nicholas was called right after. He sauntered over and sat in his seat eyeing me, i pretended not to notice and decided to focus on my split ends. Acting as casual as possible when my minds screaming at me to run far away from here. I get startled when someone pulls on the back of my hair "Oww?!" i said turning around to see Jordan diagonally seated behind me, i let out a sigh of relief as Mr.Taylor starts right in on his expectations of this class for the rest of the year. I hear a vibrate come from my bag so i flip out my phone and shield it under my desk, seeing its a message from Jordan. "I'm so sorry" i type a quick reply "talk later, im ok" as i slide my phone back into my bag. I try to pay attention to Mr.Taylor but my mind keeps focusing on how close Mike is to me, how i can smell his cologne, and the familiarity of his leg bouncing as hes concentrating on drawling something, in his black leather sketchbook i got him for his last birthday. I still remember how excited i was when i saw it, i knew it was the perfect present for him and the look on his face when he opened it, that look was priceless. I don't know how long Ive been in my own daydream, but i was brought back to reality when Jordan was waving her hand in front of my face. "hello!? the bell just rang, class is over" "whats this?" I ask as i scan over a worksheet that was left on my desk. "Tonight's homework?" "ohh" i say as i hurridly pick up my things and sling my bag on my shoulder to hurry and catch up with Jordan whose already out the door. I catch up with Jordan whose joined by the hip with Brody, big surprise. "Jade guess what?! Brody has lunch with us fifth period, how great is that?" "that's so awesome!" i say faking my enthusiasm. Don't get me wrong, i love Brody hes been great for Jordan, but i was hoping for a girl talk session at lunch. but now its not going to be the same, with a guy around. Brody leans over and quickly kisses Jordan on the cheek. "Ill see you 5th meet me in the main hallway." "alright" Jordan says waving bye to him, watching him walk off around the corner. "so" she says as she turns her attention back towards me. "so" i say. "so, how are you, really?" she asks. "not thrilled obviously, i can't concentrate if i have to sit next to him all year, im seriously going to die." "maybe the seating arrangement won't be for all year, maybe its just till he learns all of our names?" "i hopes so" "me too" she looks at me with her heather grey wide concerned eyes. "i miss him" "i know" "this sucks" she gives me a sympathetic look and says "we need to pick up the pace if we want to make it to English on time" as she runs up the stairs taking two at a time. By the time we finally make it to class we are out of breathe and are stuck sitting in the front row. I reach into my purse and pull out my crumpled schedule and smooth it out reading, 3rd period: English 9, Mr.Hall. Mr.Hall gets up from his desk and walks to the center of the room twenty some pairs of eyes following his every move. "today class, we are going to just jump right into the swing of things and Ill give you your first assignment." He clears his throat then continues, "take out a clean sheet of notebook paper and a pen not a pencil." He stops giving everyone time to find these items, and stop shuffling through their things. "Your first assignment is to write about anything you want, but you only get nine minutes times to write. using pens, there for no erasing, no scribbling out, whatever you misspell or miss write stays. any questions? no, okay time starts now." He walks back towards his desk as everyone starts writing, its completely silent. I glance up at Mr.Hall and hes watching the clock tick thats hanging over the door. "three more minutes" he warns, so i get right back into writing. Im talking about how ___________ i have 3/4ths of a page filled when he calls out, "times up! pens down!" "how make sure your names on your paper and pass it forward" "what'd you write about?" i ask Jordan "brody and how we met of course" i mock gag myself as we continue collecting papers "you?" she asks, "oh nothing" i reply and she looks at me puzzled but decides to drop it. "i bet your all wondering why i had you do this excersise?" Mr.Hall asks. "not really" a guy in the back said and we all start to laugh, but Mr.Hall doesn't hear. "I had you guys do this to see how well you are at time management, how strong you each are as writers, spellers and to learn something about each and every one of you." He walks over and picks up a stack of papers and hands them out. "take these home, read them over, or not, just have your parents sign them and return by tomorrow for extra credit 5 points." I don't even bother looking at the form, i stuff it into a folder and pull out a blank sheet of paper and write, what do you think of him? and slide it over to Jordan. She pulls out her favorite pencil and writes something down, and pushes it back towards me, it read, hes pretty cool. i like him best so far. i reply, me too. this class might not be so bad. "Now i want to tell you guys a few things about myself, so you understand my teaching techniques and maybe relate to me even?"  He sits on a stool to the right side of the room, scanning the room looking at each new face waiting for everyone to meet his gaze. "Im 26 graduated from NYU, Im married to a gril named Heather shes 25 and working on her masters degree. We met in High school freshman year, we only had one class together ninth period, English. I was a quiet guy, rarely said much in class, never volunteered, and she was popular, gorgeous, talkative and completely out of my league. I had the biggest crush on her for the longest time and one day she came into ninth period, sobbing her hair a mess, streaks down her face, nobody knew what was wrong later we found out her mother was in a car accident, a pretty severe one, and her dad called her saying he'd be picking her up early. So she immedietly kinew something was wrong, thats why she was so upset in class. But that night her mother passed away and she didnt come to school for a month and when she returned everyone was feeling bad, and giving her "im sorry" looks. which everyone knows just makes you feel worse. So when she sat down next to me that day, i pulled out a sheet of paper and scribbled her a note. It said your beautiful even when your sad, and folded it up. passed it over to her, before i could have a chance to change my mind. i watched her read my note and she broke out into a small sad smile, and replied you just made my day so much better, thank you. and i replied and gave her my email address, which at the time was sportsmasterhall@hotmail.com, and said she could email me anytime if she wanted to talk or needed anything. So she started emailing me, everyday it became and soon we became inseparable. Why i told you think story ? well you get to waste time in class, plus there's a moral to this story. If you never go after what you want, you'll never know what could of been. I could of lost a wonderful eleven years with this woman i now call my wife." Everyone in the room was silent. I was pondering what he said at the end of his story. I think im really going to like this class, even though its day one. We spendt the last few minutes of class talking about random things, sports, music, everyone was firing out questions and Mr.Hall was answering. The period ended and we were now in 4th period history, blah. Theres way to many dates and things you need to remember. Why do I need to know those events later in life? No reason. Unless i want to become a history teacher, which i don't. So this class is useless. Im doodling on my paper just trying to stay conscious as Mrs.Jones covers our first set of notes. Its the first day and we already have a worksheet for homework, ugh goodbye summer i miss you already. I look over at Jordan and shes completely focused on Mrs.Jones lecture about the Boston Tea party. I never understood how or why shes so into history, but atleast she can help me on this homework assignment tonight. I continue to daydream the rest of the period away and before i know it the bells rang. Lunch time, finally. Jordans backing up her things into her bag when her phone vibrates. She pulls it out quick and reads the 1 message instantly having a huge smile on her face. "what?" i ask as we start walking towards the door. "Brody just texted me" Jordan said grinning, "and?" i asked, "saying he misses me and can't wait to see me at lunch" "Aww" i say trying to hide my sarcasm. Im truly happy for Jordan but its truly sickening how adorable they are. "Lets stop at the locker before heading down to lunch" "alright but lets hurry so i can meet Brody" "alright, alright, we'll hurry." We get to our locker and Jordan opens it because Ive yet to memorize our combination. I throw in all this mornings books and grab out my gym clothes bag.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

10/5

i want a boyfriend, a legit boyfriend. i miss it, i miss everything about it. i want someone who calls when he says hes going to call, who comes over when he says hes going to, who takes you out places, holds your hand, buys you things even when you insist you'll pay, who listens to what you have to say, makes you laugh, makes you feel pretty, kisses you on your forehead, makes you a priority in his life, holds you when you cry, makes you feel important to him, who would joke with you, opens doors for you, treats you like nothing less than his princess, lets you listen to your music in his car, who surprises you with candy when your sick, would brush your hair out of your face, who would put you before his friends, who would tickle you even when you said not to, lets you borrow your jacket when your cold, who stops by randomly just to say hi, who would watch all your favorite shows with you, who wouldn't hurt you, someone who misses you when your gone, who would just be there for you,
and most importantly, he would love you more than anyone else could, and would never ever break your heart. 

xoxo,
-c

Friday, September 30, 2011

9/30

i failed. tonight. i failed. its been 95 days. i haven't cut in 95 days. but i failed tonight. my wrist is on fire right now. but i feel the best now as ive felt all day.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

9/29/11

ive been diagnosed with severe anxiety, two different kinds of it. now lately i have been having these feelings where my hands get all shaky, my heart races, i break out in hives on my chest and my hands. i feel like there isn't enough air to fill my lungs.  it was a really scary feeling, like your suffocating like you can't catch your breathe.i didn't really know what it was, so i searched all my symptoms online, and now i think I'm starting to have panic attacks. because for my anxiety since its so severe i should probably be taking medicine but we can't afford it/my mom doesn't want to take me to the doctor to get it checked out cause its expensive. and they will probably recommend me to a psychiatrist. Part of me wishes she would take me to the doctor, but then part of me doesn't. because im going to have to explain all the problems going on right now with me, and they are going to ask me if ive ever been suicidal, or self harmed. and if i want them to be able to help me, im going to have to tell the truth. and i don't know if i could do that. i don't know what to do. i have nobody to turn to. this sucks.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day Ten: One confession.

1) i can't do this anymore. im sorry....

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1) (:
2) :/

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1) kissing my neck

2) sliding hands up my back, and legs

3) biting lip

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

1) shorter then me

2) cocky personality

3) bad kisser

4) smells bad. lol

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1) Mom

2) Ashley - my sister

3) Kelsea - my bestfriend

4) Zoey - my kitten

5) _ _ _ _

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

1) dated you.

2) took you back after you cheated on me so many times

3) trusted you

4) went to that party

5) dated you.

6) hold on for so long

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1) future

2) Him

3) the past

4) food

5) college

6) job

7) car

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1) always text back/don't take five hundred years.

2) give me compliments, you know im just going to deny.

3) hangout with me, do silly things.

4) trust me.

5) write me notes, not like love letters, but notes.

6) make effort to see me any chance you get, even for only ten minutes

7) be trustworthy, no BS, no games, no lies, no other girls.

8) treat me right.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1) i was born with black hair. then it all fell out.

2) i was a competitive cheerleader for nine years

3) i love black coffee

4) Chipotle is my addiction

5) i love helping people, i will go out of my way to help you

6) i want to be a psychologist

7) I don't have a car , or my license.

8) ill be eighteen in five months

9) im heartbroken.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1) i miss you.

2) you saying that hurts me, so much. but im acting like its fine.

3) i don't think we can do this anymore

4) i hope your happy with what you did, because now you've truely lost me forever

5) i Love you bestfriend

6) thanks for believing in me

7) i hate you, still.

8) your a compulsive liar, and a whore. 

9) your amazing.

10) yeah(:

Monday, September 26, 2011

and if we never talk again, please remember that i am, forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Truth is,

The truth is, you'll never know how much you truly meant to me. Words will always be left unsaid. Thoughts, be misunderstood. Secrets are always kept. The inevitability of heartbreak stops us from voicing our innermost thoughts and emotions. Now, I'm left wondering if perhaps the unspoken moments could've changed things.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

9/22/11

i know i haven't posted in over a month almost, I've just been busy with a lot of other things. There is no way i could possibly write all of it down here today. But I'm really writing because i honestly feel like I'm going into depression. Not like temporary, but like permanent 'i feel like shit/there is no hope' like that i just don't feel happy, that i just don't feel like myself. That i just lost the real me, and I've changed into a person that i never should of been. But i don't really want to talk about this with anyone. Nobody can really understand this. even though they say they do, they just don't. plus i don't feel like describing/explaining so much detail, it just makes the pain more evident. I just need to let this out, because nobody supports it. i just need to let it go, but i  can't . i can't . 

I can't deny the fact that i am so aware to your presence, whenever i see you. whenever i am near you, its like all my senses go into overdrive. I still feel that tinge of electricity when your hand touches mine. I still can imagine the way your lips felt when they kissed mine. I can still remember all our moments, the good and the bad. I still remember how deeply utterly i was in love with you. 

I can't hide the fact, nobody has ever came close to making me feel the way that you did. I can't hide the fact that seeing you with her still kills me. I can't hide my hurt expression, when you kiss her. It still feels like a dagger going into my heart still. I still sucks knowing i can't be with you. That you. don't. want. me.  I guess i feel like i still have hope, because you never said you don't to my face. So part of me is holding on to the 1% chance that you do. Which i know that is crazy, because deep down somewhere i know if you wanted me , you would be with me. I think you still know that i would drop whoever, whatever for you in a second if you were interested.

I know everyone doesn't understand what we had. What i felt. Even though it was awhile ago now, doesn't mean i still don't remember. That i still don't have feelings for you. I can't just forget, forget what we had ever existed. Sometimes i feel like i would be better off if i could. But i can't do that. 
You were a big part of my life. A huge part. You were my first legit boyfriend, turned out to be my first love. That's not something i can pretend never happened. I know things fell apart, and the way you treated me and handled things wasn't good. But i wouldn't take it back for a second. I wouldn't erase that. I learned so much from you, that experience, you gave me a lot, but left with a part of me too. A part i don't think I'm going to get back. The day you walked away, you took a part of me. A part of my heart, a part of us, you took all our plans, all our promises and threw them away. Without a second glance back. How could you do that? How could you one day be in love, and the next not care?

I miss the feeling you gave me, the happy, giddy, nothing could be better then this feeling, the feeling someone loved you as much as you loved them, The feeling like you were perfect. like you were flying. You weren't concerned with how high up you were, how much you had to loose. You didn't look down, you didn't look back even for a second.

I just want to wake up one day, and not miss you. Be able to walk by you in the halls and not have a panic attack. not checking to see who your with, or if your looking at me, or if i look okay. I want to be able to move on with my life and only remember this as a faint memory. i want to find someone who loves me as much as i love them. That won't hurt me. That will know how to treat a lady right. Will expect as much out of me, as they would of themselves. I want someone to make me happy, i deserve to be happy. I haven't been genuinely happy in a really long time. most people don't see that or think that, because when they look at me they see me as bubbly, happy, smiley, me. But that doesn't mean I'm that way on the inside, just because i am on the outside. I feel like nobody knows me, or understands me. Like i have nobody here for me. That I'm facing this world entirely on my own.

i haven't been really utterly happy in three years. i have been happy at times, but it never lasts. Something always happens and ruins it and leaves me broken yet again Leaving me with nothing but a memory. Making me think of this one person. Making me miss him. So i guess I'm better off alone. that way i will never get hurt again. That way i can protect myself. That way i never go all in,and get left with nothing. But i miss having someone. I need someone. I need someone to be there for me, to make me laugh, to hangout with, do stupid things with, to kiss, hold hands with, i need someone who is interested in me, and my hectic crazy life. i need someone that will love me, me and all my problems. and wouldn't ask me to change ever. and i will do the same. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

this is all my fault.

im sorry i let this happen to you. 
i want to fix this. 
your so much better then this.
i love you.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

GAWD.

i hate seeing your fucking posts on facebook, that's why i never get online anymore, and the one i just had to fucking see? she had to fucking like that status, meaning your still talking to her? god, you piss me off and you don't even know it, FUCK YOU AND HER. and bitch, you wonder why i don't text you back when you text me about pointless shit i don't give a fuck about? me and him BROKE UP, and you were supposed to be really good friends with me, you never texted me ONCE asking if i was fucking okay? you KNEW i LOVED him, you KNEW i didn't want that. BUT WHAT DO YOU DO, MOVE IN ON HIM? FUCK YOU.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The best kind of relationship


In a relationship, I don’t always want it to be a romantic dinner. It can be playful. It can include the nice fancy dinner, but as long as we spend it together, we won’t need to go out and buy an expensive dinner.  A playful relationship is a healthy relationship because knowing that I can laugh around you means that I am comfortable around you.  We can laugh at any moment. If I throw water in your face, it just means I am trying to get your attention. If we are cleaning up our dishes after dinner, I am going to spice it up somehow so it makes everything more fun. Who doesn’t want a playful relationship? Everyone fantasizes about a romantic date being out wearing something very expensive and looking very nice as they both eat dinner at an exclusive restaurant. The best kind of playful relationship is where the two enjoy each others company.
The best kind of relationship :) ♥

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

why bother


Why should you bother telling people your problems? When they will just turn back and call you an attention seeker. Why bother telling someone good news? They will just say you are showing off. No matter what you say or do,someone will always find something negative to say,even if you do the nicest thing. Negative people are always going to bring you down,they will call you anorexic if you are skinny,and fat if you are not,they will call you ugly,and many other things.They will do anything to bring you down,just so they can feel better.But you know what? fuck it,because at the end of the day you can’t please everyone.Especially not the people who will never be satisfied no matter what you do.

trust

Because we’re scared that maybe, we’re not good enough. We see other girls & think maybe, someone else will take our place. We look through every flaw that we can find. We get insecure. We’re afraid of getting hurt repeatedly. We have trust issues. I don’t know, that’s just how we are. We’re fragile. We’re not something that you should go around playing with & throw away when you’re done. We have feelings too, you know?

relationship?


Are you in a relationship? Good. Be happy. Make every second count. Do everything and anything you’ve always wanted to do. Because its true, It’s either get married or break up. You only have two options when you find a significant other. Don’t take a second for granted, because once its over. Everything, Those feelings, those promises. The ” I love you’s” will be all for nothing. In the end, you just become strangers again. In the end, you walk away from each other and act like nothing happened.

teenage love

heres to teenage love, these are the years. when else is he gonna leave flowers on your porch? or sit on the trampoline and count the stars with you? don’t waste the bittersweet taste of his lips, because you’re only young once. young love is the best kind. the most fun, most precious. these are the years. people who say teens are “too young to love,” don’t understand. teenage love is the best, the most romantic. these are the years, so hold on tight and don’t let them pass you by.

make him think he meant as little to you, as you obviously meant to him.

image
he broke up with you, right? after telling you he loved you and calling you pet names like baby and sweetheart? yeah, i know he flattered you with compliments, only to put himself down so you would boost his fake low ego. did he tell you that you were beautiful? i bet he promised you the world. or maybe he would just mention how he was lying in bed and wished you were there. he dragged “i love you” out of you, didn’t he? yeah, you don’t have to deny it. he would talk to you last thing at night and first thing in the morning. he constantly mentioned losing sleep over you, every night, but we both know he slept like a rock. he made you love pictures that were just sort of “bleh” before. did you delete those pictures after he broke your heart? yeah, me too. all of your friends hate him now, don’t they? remember how happy they were for you? they warned you, but were your support system through it all. just remember, it’s okay to cry. and referring to him as “asshole” is perfectly expected. because, trust me, you’ll end up talking about him just as often, if not more, than before the break up. there will be the “one time”s and the “I remember”s, and once you think you’re over him, watch out. you better keep your eyes closed in the hallways, because i promise you, the next time you see him, he’ll be all over some other girl. a little part of you will want to warn her, but nobody will blame you for hating her and for blaming her for your pain. yeah, you’ll compare all other guys to him, because aside from the man-whorish, heart-breaker thing, he was perfect. he was everything you had ever wanted. or maybe you made that up. maybe, the second he started to show interest, you made up this perfect guy in your head, and he just happened to be just like him. whatever the case may be, you will find the perfect guy for you just like everybody says you will. i didn’t believe it either, but i’m starting to. the most important thing though is to not let him know he hurt you. don’t let him know he could have you back in a heartbeat. don’t give him that satisfaction. make him think you’re completely happy. when he decides to wave at you like nothing ever happened, wave back, sure. but don’t smile. make him think he meant as little to you, as you obviously meant to him.

marilyn monroe

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”
— Marilyn Monroe

dying is easy, living is hard.

I don’t know exactly what’s happened to me, and for the first time today, I don’t really care. I shouldn’t have to work this hard. I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.

Monday, July 11, 2011

when you lose someone....

when you lose someone, someone you love. when they break your heart. it’s the hardest thing you could ever go through. and no matter how much time has past, the sting of the pain never really ever goes away. you may think you’re getting better, but then you have a flashback, or you hear a song that reminds you of a memory the two of you shared together. it hits you all over again, and all at once. like a stab in the chest. you start to fall apart for the hundredth time, and all you really want to do is just run away from the rest of the world. you love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn’t. they’re no good for you, all they do is steal your happiness and make you cry, and you don’t know why but all you want to do is be with them, and only them. other people come along and you give chances hoping you might move on, but you know you don’t want to. it upsets you to move on, because you promised to be with no one but him, and even though he broke his promise, you want to keep yours because your a girl of your word. on top of that you’re terrified. terrified of being hurt again. but it’s not like it matters anyways because at the end of the day you still go to bed thinking about the one who left you completely broken. you don’t want to miss them anymore. you don’t want to love them anymore, but you know you always will.
xoxo
-c

Friday, July 8, 2011

c


dont 
know 
what
the 
hell
im 
going 
to 
do.
but

need
you 
back.
c&l.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

wait for the one

Wait for the one. 
 
Wait for the one who will be your best friend, who will drop everything to be with you at anytime no matter what. Wait for the one who makes you smile like no other, and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the one who wants to show you off when you are in sweats and have no makeup on, but appreciates it when you get all dolled up for him. Most of all, wait for the one who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he’s at the center of yours.

everything i now hate, post M.

-star-bursts
-my garage taht thgin
-goldfish crackers.
-how you made fun of me for my blogs, and told me i needed a social life -.-
-watching the food network
-licks.
-cuddle buddy
- bug life
-going through the pictures on my phone
-sex in the city
-eelyk
-the family room in my house
-my Ohio state blanket
-leaf fights
-the fireworks
-monster energy drinks
- my smooth after shaved legs
- i can't stand it (our song)
-his c smell
-good morning texts
-tall boys
-playing with dark hair
-boy cats named zoey
-his smell
-facebook
-basketball shorts he never wore /:
-June eleventh .
- the office
-green hondas
-my pic's on my phone

theres probably more ill add later 
xoxo
-c


i

i wan't something bad to happen to me.

i want to be run over, to be hurt by somebody, to have to go to a hospital, i want to do drugs and smoke, i want to take pills and pass out, i want to bash my heard into a mirror and cut my arms up. 

because i hate myself, and i want somebody to realize that.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

quotes i loves :)

forget the risk, and take the fall, if it's what you want, then it's worth it all.

be mindful of what you toss away, be careful of what you push away, and think hard before you walk away

if you are trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy, unless you want everyone to be happy except you

you can't be with someone you have a grudge against, let it go, or let them go.

just because you can say whatever you want, doesn't mean you always should

its better to know and be dissapointed, than to never know and always wonder

don't be a home-wrecker, if someones taken, they're taken, don't try and ruin their relationship just because you want them.

if someone makes you more upset than happy, they aren't worth your time.

haters only hate the things they can't get, and the people they can't be, don't let them get you down

when all else fails kill them with kindness

always dress like you're going to see you worst enemy

makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help it you're ugly on the inside... unless,you eat it ;)

there are so many people out there that will tell you that you can't, what you've got to do is turn around and say, "watch me".

forget what has hurt you in the past, but never forget what it has taught you.

judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are

never be reckless with someone else's heart, and don't tolerate those who are reckless with yours.

if they can't do their part, then they don't deserve your heart.

if he doesn't treat you like a princess, then he doesnt deserve to be your prince.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

High school .

Drama and fights, laughs and tears, breakups and makeups. Its rushing to grow up, then realizing you want your innocence back. It's hurting over someone elses. It's getting drunk and having your best friends hold your hair back, as you puke. then taking all the next day trying to re-cap what happens last night. It's jealous, and envy, rumors and gossip. its wannabe sluts and it's getting knocked over again and again to the point where you question if you should just stay down. Its disappointments and lies. Its those nights where you want to be alone, but you don't want to feel alone.Its those knots in your stomach that make you want to cry. a fake smile forced upon your face for so long people actually believe your happy. its getting backstabbed by your so called best friend and feeling betrayed. its hearing lie after lie so you learn to never trust anyone but yourself. its tears on your cheeks that you want to be wiped away by the person who made you cry in the first place, and not knowing why. its about growing up, meeting new people, its moving on in time, and lots and lots of time. its wishing bad things onto people out of anger, its hope for a happy future, and wishing on 11:11, its learning and discovering new things. and its hurting but still trying, its learning from the past mistakes and its laughing over someone you once cried over. its getting stronger, becoming independent. its seeing you can and are happy on your own. so what is highschool you ask? its one big realization that your so young, so carefree, and having so much fun, with a whole future at your feet. so maybe it hurts now, but that's life. it things always went the way we wanted them to, we'd never appreciate them, remember if things always went the way we wanted them to, wed never learn to appreciate anything. don't listen to anything you hear and take chances, even if its a risk of getting hurt. smile and mean it because in thirty years your going to look back on those years you rushed through, and all you'll want is highschool back. make it last.

Friday, June 3, 2011

last day!!


Okay so were finally at the last freaking day of my junior year(:
Today hasn’t been all that bad even(: cause I got a 40/45 on my sign language oral exam(: I was so happy! I didn’t mess up that much I just finger spelled some , oh well. That’s like the last real thing that I have to do all year though(: that’s bad. Yay.
But theres like only one downside cause im not doing anything at all today, so its going to take forever. Especially in mr.Phillips class. Haha.
But hopefluly tomorrow will be fuuuun(: if we get to do what me and kelsea were planning to do!(: haha
I cant believe im a senior, with a sexyass boyfriend J hahaha 

Bye!

Xoxox
-c

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

okay, so

okay, so its finally coming up being the last few days of my junior year. 
we have two regular days left this year, besides two days of exam for me. 
i don't have to come into school on the very last exam day, but i do have
to take five exams!? gross. haha .
but seriously, its the last few days of school & 
teachers are still giving us things to do? why??
i have no idea. haha.
but im liking all this extra credit i'm getting (: 
-passes / paper in math 
- packet in psychology
-idk ill find out today for english?


i really need the extra credit in english 
but i don't know if its going to be something i want to actually do,
cause knowing my teacher its going to be super hard and impossible. 
i'm so happy we only have two days left of his regular class. which reminds me
i haven't even started on the paper for his exam, whoops.


i don't even know what i'm going to write my paper on, 
i at least need to force myself to sit down and read all the spark notes of that book
i should of read that book, but its just so BLAH. and confusing, haha


hopefully i get to see matt tonight, that will make my day <333
he's so stinkin' adorable. haha. and we even have A and J similarities
which is so increditably creepy! (: 
5/29/11 :) yayyy
i really want to see his phone though, cause i bet its really cool
and im going to be super sad cause i want to get a new one now, 
hah like this one i looked up online last night, its so pretty and white
and not even expensive  but i dont know if thats a good or a bad thing.
haha. (: 


i wonder if my grandma is going to take me today to plato's,
i haven't asked yet, but i hope she will cause i need to sell those clothes!!
haha, i need the money so bad. i'm broke.
 even though i'm just going to go spend that money and then ill be broke again. 
but i wonder how much they will give me for it? i have no idea?
hopefully at east 20-30 bucks. but i wish it would even be more then that,
but i guess it just depends on what they wanted to buy from me??
should i sell my purse? cause i actually am thinking about it? if its not dirty then 
i probably will end up selling it too? and that purse alone should be at least 20.
at least i'm hoping that it would be?? it should be?? i don't know. 


i hope i get a good enough amount because i want to buy me a new phone!!!!!!! (:
and hopefully ill get that job at noodles or anywhere else ive applied? haha cause i need
to be making some BANK, asap. cause i hate not having money. its so annoying. 


me and kelsea are hopefully going to get canes soon, or i might just go with my mom? haha
but eiher way i want to try canes out soon cause to me everyones making such a big deal about 
it i have to see for myself what the big deal is!


but i really want the mac and cheese from panera ive been craving it all day long! it sounds so good!  


okay well i still have fifteen minutes in here but i dont know what else i have to report, if anything
so ima go 


bbl,
xoxox
-c





Sunday, May 29, 2011

someone?

I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it; really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Honestly, I thought you were that person but I was wrong. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me? To fight for me? To actually care enough to not let something go the way I did for you? You never even thanked me. I acted the way I did because I cared. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now. I don’t do that for just anyone. So, call me crazy, but today, today I realized that I can’t keep waiting for you. I’m moving on. I can’t stay in one place waiting I can’t be around you anymore. I’m not over it, I don’t get over things fast; I never have. No matter how much I try and convince myself, I’ll see you around sometime. I keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click and everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said and done. So, maybe you’ll get one more chance from me. Maybe you won’t.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

so true!

The first kiss is the passionate one; it’s the one filled by desire and attraction and all that. But the second one is rational; you get time to think about it, worry and over analyze. Most women prefer that first kiss, but I’m partial to the second one because it’s about something more.

besties

Why is it we always fall for our best friends? Is it because we know we can trust them? Is it because we know them so well? Is it because of the way they know exactly what’s going on in our heads? Or is it because they are there any day, anytime, anywhere without the promise of kisses, intimate touches or whispered sentiments of love? I think we love them because they are there when there is nothing in it for them except for that little glimmer of hope that maybe someday there will be.

Some people say ‘never kiss a friend because that friend will forever be lost’ but what if the only person you are looking for is that friend you’ve never kissed.

this year

i get my yearbook today (:
where i'm a published journalist
(i'm not going to say this out loud, but i'm too excited to see it published, like something i created even if it is just a dumb story about school lunches, i put a ton of effort into the pictures and getting the quotes!)

there is two days left this week, 
four days next week, 
two days the following week, 
UNTILL SUMMER 2011' (:


it can not get here fast enough, i'm PUMPED!

I WILL OFFICIALLY BE A SENIOR :)
class of 2012 :)


but this summer i'm actually going to do something with my life, 
a whole lot of nothing obviously :) but other things too! like i really need to get my license, get back into shape and attempt harder for a job? yeahhh, and party, party, party must happen (: and toooooooons of pure relaxation

8 days of my junior year left,  and counting :)

but also im really excited for next week when all the seniors are gone because the hallways will actually be tollerable, and then it will oficially set in that were about to be the seniors :)
xoxo
-c


Monday, May 23, 2011

a guy

i want a guy who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me, hold my heand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. someone who would sing to me at random moments. who would let me sleep on their chest. a boy would would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. I want someone who would call me three times a day if he went away. someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything i said. he would throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then kiss me a million times. someone who would make fun of me. just to make me laugh. he would take me to the park and put his hands around my waist and give me bear hugs all the time. he would tell all his friends about me and smile when he did it. and we'd make out in the pouring rain, he would never be afraid to say i love you, in front of his friends, and wed argue about silly things and then always make up. i want a boy that would kiss me at midnight on new years and count stars with me. who would just stay home with me on a friday night, and watch movies together under the same blanket. someone who would tell me im beautiful but not too often. who would make me laugh like no one else could. but mostly i want someone who would be my bestfriend and would never break my heart.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

haa

He was an ass. He made you fall for him and he wasn`t there to catch you but worst of all he made you trust him. Made you think that he wasn`t like all the others. And you know what? He was right. He`s not like all the others. He`s worse
i'd like to believe that i'll make up one morning, and not miss him anymore. i'll finally understand that when he broke my heart it was for a reason, one i just don't understand yet, but when i do, i'll know that he messed up and not me.

weekend

so an update on my past few days, okay
Friday, i came home from school, showered, blow dried, makeuped, straightened, then went shopping with my mom for a few things, and then came home and helped her put together our new mower, it took awhile, but surprisingly we figured it out. haha. and then M came over(; and we hungout from about seven till three am (: haha it was so much fun though, and we really didn't do much of anything. and i love that(: and then on Saturday, K came and brought me and my momma strawberry lemonades from McDonald's, then me and her went up to polaris, and ate at jimmy johns, (ive never heard of it till then?) but it was good, i didn't really eat much, this sickness is making me not hungry): and shopped and shopped, and we had a terrible shopping day, UNTILL we went to FOREVER21(: my favoritee!! and kelsea was being all skeptical about it, and she ended up buying way more then i did!! well on account of the fact that i had hardly and money, or else i would of bought a lot more!! haha but she liked it((: and then we left polaris and went to McDonald's, and she got the 4burgers and 4fries, FOR HERSELF((: haha i love my best-friend, and i got a med. fry and apples (: and then we went to her house, and then kohls, and then eastland and shopped and then another kohls, and then met abi at greaters, and she bought us ice cream (: and hungout their for a bit then kelsea finally took me home. we like didn't sit down all day, from like 1245 to 930? legit. it was crazy. but my forever 21 shirt is sooo stinkinnn' cute(: i cant wait to wear it (: i might wear it today, to throw off my tragic sickness look? (: and ill update you on my sunday, later today.... its not going to be very exciting, because im SICKERRRR now . fun.

xoxo
-c

Thursday, May 19, 2011

your so cool.

don't you just love immature people? 
immature people who call you on private about 10-15 times in one day?
i don't answer the first few times, but they never leave a message? 
they call 5 times in a row waiting two minutes in between, if that? 


but finally i answered and listened for a second, heard nothing and hung up.


my dad finally picks up my phone and answers?
and you don't have the balls to say anything to him either?
as he's yelling at you?  you just sit there and breathe heavily for about 10 seconds?
then hang up on him? 


Let me ask what your trying to accomplish? i would understand if you were actually prank calling me and actually saying something? but what are you accomplishing by calling me and not saying anything? all that's doing is leaving me with a few missed calls? that's scandalous right there. 


xoxo
-c

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

i hate people sometimes


Honestly I hate people so much. Like really?
How can you go from one day loving someone with everything you have to the next acting like they don’t exist?
I guess by pretending they don’t exist you don’t have to deal with the pain.
But the pain doesn’t just go away. Its still there weather you want to admit it or not.
You try to hide the pain your feeling by moving on to someone else so fast.
Its like the other person distracts you from your pain.
But when the next perdons gone, thsts when you have t sit and face the facts and really tuely realize all the  pain
With things you wish you would of done, or could of done.
Then you realize your still in love with the first person.
And would do anything you could to get them back?
But why, I don’t know.
They arent good for you, you know that.
They don’t treat you right, you know that.
They don’t deserve you anymore, you know that.
You say you hate  him but you don’t, you know that.

I don’t know im just ramblilng right now. But hey its my blog, I can do whatever I want J
Anyways, I think im done here, gotta go to health class now, whatta joy…. Not really.

Be back later, xoxo
-c

Monday, May 16, 2011

school.

okay, so i'm sitting here in the library, and i didn't know i could access my blog at school. 
first for everything haha :) yay! but no, i'm so tired i got absolutely no sleep last night, cause at first it was because of M(; then it turned into me being sickly:( why did dad have to jinx me so i got sickly): i want my sore throat to go away like NOW, though. cause i need me some good sleep tonight! <3 
i don't know if i'm going to do anything today? or should i wait till tomorrow? i don't know. 




16 more days and counting.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

just shut up.

Just shut up, okay? stop acting like you know me? or what he ever put me through? 

I’m allowed to dislike somebody who hurt me. I’m allowed to say what I want, laugh how I want, do what I want, and be who I want. This is my life, and if you don’t like it then there’s something wrong with yours, not mine.

still angry.

The feeling that someone in your heart is missing, like a huge black whole just showed up and won’t go away. That was the exact feeling that I had when I let you go. Stupidest mistake of my life.

I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, an hour without thinking of you. Without wondering why it is you don’t care at all anymore, if you just look at me and see nothing. I am just so sick and tired of needing you in my life knowing that you don't need me.

recently...

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people’s eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are the fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I’ve had to overcome. Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge now a days. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as if can and I guess that’s my way of hiding from the truth. It’s just that way, everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay, that I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I’m holding on for dear life on this one last strand that’s recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will ever know me and sometimes that scares me, because no one will ever know why I am the way I am.

you know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing, all at once. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes, you’re fighting back.

angry blogging.

It’s kinda fucked up isn’t it? How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides to never talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so easy?

That’s it, I’m done. I’m tired of being your second best. Or third, or fourth, or fifth. You’re my best friend. You mean the world to me, and I mean shit to you. One day, you’ll look back and regret how you acted towards me, bitch, ‘cause no one will be there for you like I was, EVER.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

dear dad,

i know you haven't cared in awhile now, about me or my life. you can swear up and down that you do. but i know you don't. your new girlfriend is all that matters to you, i haven't been to your place since last august, you only see me four hours every other weekend, because you mom makes you, but i called you today, and you acted like i was a bother, a pain, i don't understand, i know you dont care, but right now, cant you just pretend? can't you put me first one time? because im scared daddy. im scared for my appointment tomorrow, im scared for what the results are . im scared i wont be okay . im scared what might happen. i just wish you were here for me, but you don't even care, but i know you can't even act like you do. because you don't know how to be a dad. you never grew up, you never learned how to care for anyone but yourself. i miss being daddys little girl, when only i mattered in your world. but its your fault, you lost that, and at this point i don't think you'll ever gain it back.... someday you'll realize what you did and all you put me through, someday you will wish you could take it all back, why cant today be someday just answer me that? what did i do to lose you? you never were the greatest, but at least you were around?