someone?

I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it; really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Honestly, I thought you were that person but I was wrong. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me? To fight for me? To actually care enough to not let something go the way I did for you? You never even thanked me. I acted the way I did because I cared. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now. I don’t do that for just anyone. So, call me crazy, but today, today I realized that I can’t keep waiting for you. I’m moving on. I can’t stay in one place waiting I can’t be around you anymore. I’m not over it, I don’t get over things fast; I never have. No matter how much I try and convince myself, I’ll see you around sometime. I keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click and everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said and done. So, maybe you’ll get one more chance from me. Maybe you won’t.

so true!

The first kiss is the passionate one; it’s the one filled by desire and attraction and all that. But the second one is rational; you get time to think about it, worry and over analyze. Most women prefer that first kiss, but I’m partial to the second one because it’s about something more.

besties

Why is it we always fall for our best friends? Is it because we know we can trust them? Is it because we know them so well? Is it because of the way they know exactly what’s going on in our heads? Or is it because they are there any day, anytime, anywhere without the promise of kisses, intimate touches or whispered sentiments of love? I think we love them because they are there when there is nothing in it for them except for that little glimmer of hope that maybe someday there will be.

Some people say ‘never kiss a friend because that friend will forever be lost’ but what if the only person you are looking for is that friend you’ve never kissed.

this year

i get my yearbook today (:

where i'm a published journalist! 

(i'm not going to say this out loud, but i'm too excited to see it published, like something i created even if it is just a dumb story about school lunches, i put a ton of effort into the pictures and getting the quotes!)

there is two days left this week, 

four days next week, 

two days the following week, 

UNTILL SUMMER 2011' (:

it can not get here fast enough, i'm PUMPED!

I WILL OFFICIALLY BE A SENIOR :)

class of 2012 :)

but this summer i'm actually going to do something with my life, 

a whole lot of nothing obviously :) but other things too! like i really need to get my license, get back into shape and attempt harder for a job? yeahhh, and party, party, party must happen (: and toooooooons of pure relaxation

8 days of my junior year left,  and counting :)

but also im really excited for next week when all the seniors are gone because the hallways will actually be tollerable, and then it will oficially set in that were about to be the seniors :)

xoxo

-c

a guy

i want a guy who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me, hold my heand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. someone who would sing to me at random moments. who would let me sleep on their chest. a boy would would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. I want someone who would call me three times a day if he went away. someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything i said. he would throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then kiss me a million times. someone who would make fun of me. just to make me laugh. he would take me to the park and put his hands around my waist and give me bear hugs all the time. he would tell all his friends about me and smile when he did it. and we'd make out in the pouring rain, he would never be afraid to say i love you, in front of his friends, and wed argue about silly things and then always make up. i want a boy that would kiss me at midnight on new years and count stars with me. who would just stay home with me on a friday night, and watch movies together under the same blanket. someone who would tell me im beautiful but not too often. who would make me laugh like no one else could. but mostly i want someone who would be my bestfriend and would never break my heart.

haa

He was an ass. He made you fall for him and he wasn`t there to catch you but worst of all he made you trust him. Made you think that he wasn`t like all the others. And you know what? He was right. He`s not like all the others. He`s worse

i'd like to believe that i'll make up one morning, and not miss him anymore. i'll finally understand that when he broke my heart it was for a reason, one i just don't understand yet, but when i do, i'll know that he messed up and not me.

weekend

so an update on my past few days, okay
Friday, i came home from school, showered, blow dried, makeuped, straightened, then went shopping with my mom for a few things, and then came home and helped her put together our new mower, it took awhile, but surprisingly we figured it out. haha. and then M came over(; and we hungout from about seven till three am (: haha it was so much fun though, and we really didn't do much of anything. and i love that(: and then on Saturday, K came and brought me and my momma strawberry lemonades from McDonald's, then me and her went up to polaris, and ate at jimmy johns, (ive never heard of it till then?) but it was good, i didn't really eat much, this sickness is making me not hungry): and shopped and shopped, and we had a terrible shopping day, UNTILL we went to FOREVER21(: my favoritee!! and kelsea was being all skeptical about it, and she ended up buying way more then i did!! well on account of the fact that i had hardly and money, or else i would of bought a lot more!! haha but she liked it((: and then we left polaris and went to McDonald's, and she got the 4burgers and 4fries, FOR HERSELF((: haha i love my best-friend, and i got a med. fry and apples (: and then we went to her house, and then kohls, and then eastland and shopped and then another kohls, and then met abi at greaters, and she bought us ice cream (: and hungout their for a bit then kelsea finally took me home. we like didn't sit down all day, from like 1245 to 930? legit. it was crazy. but my forever 21 shirt is sooo stinkinnn' cute(: i cant wait to wear it (: i might wear it today, to throw off my tragic sickness look? (: and ill update you on my sunday, later today.... its not going to be very exciting, because im SICKERRRR now . fun.

xoxo
-c

your so cool.

don't you just love immature people? 
immature people who call you on private about 10-15 times in one day?
i don't answer the first few times, but they never leave a message? 
they call 5 times in a row waiting two minutes in between, if that? 


but finally i answered and listened for a second, heard nothing and hung up.


my dad finally picks up my phone and answers?
and you don't have the balls to say anything to him either?
as he's yelling at you?  you just sit there and breathe heavily for about 10 seconds?
then hang up on him? 


Let me ask what your trying to accomplish? i would understand if you were actually prank calling me and actually saying something? but what are you accomplishing by calling me and not saying anything? all that's doing is leaving me with a few missed calls? that's scandalous right there. 


xoxo
-c

i hate people sometimes

Honestly I hate people so much. Like really?

How can you go from one day loving someone with everything you have to the next acting like they don’t exist?

I guess by pretending they don’t exist you don’t have to deal with the pain.

But the pain doesn’t just go away. Its still there weather you want to admit it or not.

You try to hide the pain your feeling by moving on to someone else so fast.

Its like the other person distracts you from your pain.

But when the next perdons gone, thsts when you have t sit and face the facts and really tuely realize all the  pain

With things you wish you would of done, or could of done.

Then you realize your still in love with the first person.

And would do anything you could to get them back?

But why, I don’t know.

They arent good for you, you know that.

They don’t treat you right, you know that.

They don’t deserve you anymore, you know that.

You say you hate  him but you don’t, you know that.

I don’t know im just ramblilng right now. But hey its my blog, I can do whatever I want J

Anyways, I think im done here, gotta go to health class now, whatta joy…. Not really.

Be back later, xoxo

-c

school.

okay, so i'm sitting here in the library, and i didn't know i could access my blog at school. 
first for everything haha :) yay! but no, i'm so tired i got absolutely no sleep last night, cause at first it was because of M(; then it turned into me being sickly:( why did dad have to jinx me so i got sickly): i want my sore throat to go away like NOW, though. cause i need me some good sleep tonight! <3 
i don't know if i'm going to do anything today? or should i wait till tomorrow? i don't know. 




16 more days and counting.

just shut up.

Just shut up, okay? stop acting like you know me? or what he ever put me through? 

I’m allowed to dislike somebody who hurt me. I’m allowed to say what I want, laugh how I want, do what I want, and be who I want. This is my life, and if you don’t like it then there’s something wrong with yours, not mine.

still angry.

The feeling that someone in your heart is missing, like a huge black whole just showed up and won’t go away. That was the exact feeling that I had when I let you go. Stupidest mistake of my life.

I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, an hour without thinking of you. Without wondering why it is you don’t care at all anymore, if you just look at me and see nothing. I am just so sick and tired of needing you in my life knowing that you don't need me.

recently...

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people’s eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are the fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I’ve had to overcome. Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge now a days. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as if can and I guess that’s my way of hiding from the truth. It’s just that way, everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay, that I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I’m holding on for dear life on this one last strand that’s recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will ever know me and sometimes that scares me, because no one will ever know why I am the way I am.

you know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing, all at once. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes, you’re fighting back.

angry blogging.

It’s kinda fucked up isn’t it? How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides to never talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so easy?

That’s it, I’m done. I’m tired of being your second best. Or third, or fourth, or fifth. You’re my best friend. You mean the world to me, and I mean shit to you. One day, you’ll look back and regret how you acted towards me, bitch, ‘cause no one will be there for you like I was, EVER.

dear dad,

i know you haven't cared in awhile now, about me or my life. you can swear up and down that you do. but i know you don't. your new girlfriend is all that matters to you, i haven't been to your place since last august, you only see me four hours every other weekend, because you mom makes you, but i called you today, and you acted like i was a bother, a pain, i don't understand, i know you dont care, but right now, cant you just pretend? can't you put me first one time? because im scared daddy. im scared for my appointment tomorrow, im scared for what the results are . im scared i wont be okay . im scared what might happen. i just wish you were here for me, but you don't even care, but i know you can't even act like you do. because you don't know how to be a dad. you never grew up, you never learned how to care for anyone but yourself. i miss being daddys little girl, when only i mattered in your world. but its your fault, you lost that, and at this point i don't think you'll ever gain it back.... someday you'll realize what you did and all you put me through, someday you will wish you could take it all back, why cant today be someday just answer me that? what did i do to lose you? you never were the greatest, but at least you were around?