i haven't been online in forever to say in the very least, its like been what? over a year now. That's a really long time when you think about it... i mean in twelve months everything has changed. i mean everything. but i don't have that much time now to update you. but i did want to post a quick few thoughts i was having...

you know something i love? coming home after hanging out with him... smelling like him. my shirt, my coat, my hair, it smells like his cologne, his cigarettes, just him. <3 and you know what?  i am going to sleep with that shirt on, and that coat in bed with me... why? because i love it, him and soon the smell will fade.. 

I've also always been curious.. what is it guys think about once they drop off their girl friend, their friends with benefits, the person they are talking to, after hanging out with them for a few hours? do they drive home, or go home thinking about her? or has her thought already left his mind? does he lay in bed thinking about what happened with her, or what should have? does he fall asleep wishing she was in his arms? 


i will post more tomorrow hopefully?
goodnight <3
-c

My book. yeeeah.

It's August 29th,  the first day of High School. As I walk through the doors of Watterville High, i look around for my best friend Jordan Smith. I'm already feeling overwhelmed as i head down the main hallway to my first class. When i hear a familiar "Jade!" and before i turn around i know its Jordan calling my name. "Jordan" I yell back and she embraces me in a hug. "I got my schedule changed! We have every single class together" as she waves her crumpled schedule in my face. I grab it, and scan it over, "What? no way! how?" We turn and start walking down the hallway together as i start thinking to myself, maybe this year won't be so bad after all. We get to our first class, Earth science *INSERT TEACH NAME HERE WHEN I DECIDE ON A NAME.* and hesitate before walking in the doors. I scan the room there's two open seats in the back of the room. So we head over and sit down side by side and i ask, "So how'd you manage to get your schedule changed?" Jordan smiles and says, "I have my ways." "So your not going to tell me?" "I told them they screwed up my schedule by putting me in the wrong math class, and by switching that they threw off the rest of my schedule, it was just pure luck!" "Im so happy you got it changed! I don't think i could face all this without you." As the bell for first period goes off, our teacher Mrs.Hersh walks through the door. "Hello class" followed by a bunch of mumbles and grunts of hello from the rest of the class. She walks over to her desk and picks up a stack of papers and passes them out. I look over at Jordan, and she sighs and rolls her eyes as i stifle a laugh. I start reading the paper I was handed, the top of the form reading "Earth Science Class Syllabus." Mrs. Hersh goes on and on reading about the classroom rules, expectations and guide lines for the year. Halfway through her speech i stopped listening and started wondering about how the rest of today is going to go. First period seems to drag on and on, but finally the bell rings. We gather up our things and dash out of the classroom. "That was the longest 60 minutes EVER" said jordan once we walked out of Mrs. Hershs hearing. "Omg. i know! i was about to fall asleep, we shouldnt even be awake right now" "oh god, i know, do you know where our next class is?" "I think so, but ill grab my map out of my bag, just to be sure." "Im supposed to meet brody outside our next class room, so we need to hurry!" "60 minutes is too long for you guys to be apart, you might die if you don't see him!" i say as i roll my eyes at Jordan. She leans over and slaps my arm, taunting "Yeah yeah yeah, your just jealous!" "whatever." We finally find mr.Taylors classroom and when we do Brodys leaning casually outside looking around waiting to spot Jordan."I'll leave you two love birds alone" I say as i walk into the classroom alone. "I've missed you" Jordan squeels as she runs up and hugs Brody. "You too baby" he says as he pulls away, leaning in to kiss her. "What do you have this period?" Jordan asks. "Luckily, im right across the hall, in geometry." he bearly finishes his sentence as the bell dings. "Meet me after" Jordan says and she dashes into the classrom and takes her seat next to me. I sit here watching each new person enter the room, but nobody too terrible has entered yet. I see Jordan making her way to the back of the room. Then she plops down right beside me. We sit here in silence observing everyone else in the classroom. It's now been at least five minutes into the period and there is no sign of Mr.Taylor. So Jordan and I are just talking about what our plans are for this weekend. Jordans midsentence when i stop her, my jaw drops at the sight of him. Mike. I haven't seen him in two weeks or talked to him in over a week since we broke up. He called me from vacation, saying he needed time and space. But assured me we can still be friends. I haven't heard from him since. Jordan turns "what? Omg are you okay?" she whispers as she touches my hand. "Yeah im fine" i manage as i cover my face with my hand. I can't believe hes in here, out of all the freaking math classes in this school he has to be in mine?! I take one deep breathe and turn my back towards Mike assuring Jordan im alright. Finally Mr.Taylor walks into class, "sorry i was late class, i was stuck in a meeting, lets get started. First on our adjenda, assigned seats. I'll call out your last name and point to a desk, gather your things and move to your new seat." I glance at Jordan and she does a fake impression of a gun being pointed to her head, normally i would of laughed. If i wasn't so nervous. Please please let there be a lot of people in here with the last name starting with N, or my life is officially over at the age of thirteen. Mr.Taylor starts calling out letter after letter and im getting closer and closer to accepting my fate. When finally Nash is called out Im in the middle of the 3rd row, not to bad of a seat until Nicholas was called right after. He sauntered over and sat in his seat eyeing me, i pretended not to notice and decided to focus on my split ends. Acting as casual as possible when my minds screaming at me to run far away from here. I get startled when someone pulls on the back of my hair "Oww?!" i said turning around to see Jordan diagonally seated behind me, i let out a sigh of relief as Mr.Taylor starts right in on his expectations of this class for the rest of the year. I hear a vibrate come from my bag so i flip out my phone and shield it under my desk, seeing its a message from Jordan. "I'm so sorry" i type a quick reply "talk later, im ok" as i slide my phone back into my bag. I try to pay attention to Mr.Taylor but my mind keeps focusing on how close Mike is to me, how i can smell his cologne, and the familiarity of his leg bouncing as hes concentrating on drawling something, in his black leather sketchbook i got him for his last birthday. I still remember how excited i was when i saw it, i knew it was the perfect present for him and the look on his face when he opened it, that look was priceless. I don't know how long Ive been in my own daydream, but i was brought back to reality when Jordan was waving her hand in front of my face. "hello!? the bell just rang, class is over" "whats this?" I ask as i scan over a worksheet that was left on my desk. "Tonight's homework?" "ohh" i say as i hurridly pick up my things and sling my bag on my shoulder to hurry and catch up with Jordan whose already out the door. I catch up with Jordan whose joined by the hip with Brody, big surprise. "Jade guess what?! Brody has lunch with us fifth period, how great is that?" "that's so awesome!" i say faking my enthusiasm. Don't get me wrong, i love Brody hes been great for Jordan, but i was hoping for a girl talk session at lunch. but now its not going to be the same, with a guy around. Brody leans over and quickly kisses Jordan on the cheek. "Ill see you 5th meet me in the main hallway." "alright" Jordan says waving bye to him, watching him walk off around the corner. "so" she says as she turns her attention back towards me. "so" i say. "so, how are you, really?" she asks. "not thrilled obviously, i can't concentrate if i have to sit next to him all year, im seriously going to die." "maybe the seating arrangement won't be for all year, maybe its just till he learns all of our names?" "i hopes so" "me too" she looks at me with her heather grey wide concerned eyes. "i miss him" "i know" "this sucks" she gives me a sympathetic look and says "we need to pick up the pace if we want to make it to English on time" as she runs up the stairs taking two at a time. By the time we finally make it to class we are out of breathe and are stuck sitting in the front row. I reach into my purse and pull out my crumpled schedule and smooth it out reading, 3rd period: English 9, Mr.Hall. Mr.Hall gets up from his desk and walks to the center of the room twenty some pairs of eyes following his every move. "today class, we are going to just jump right into the swing of things and Ill give you your first assignment." He clears his throat then continues, "take out a clean sheet of notebook paper and a pen not a pencil." He stops giving everyone time to find these items, and stop shuffling through their things. "Your first assignment is to write about anything you want, but you only get nine minutes times to write. using pens, there for no erasing, no scribbling out, whatever you misspell or miss write stays. any questions? no, okay time starts now." He walks back towards his desk as everyone starts writing, its completely silent. I glance up at Mr.Hall and hes watching the clock tick thats hanging over the door. "three more minutes" he warns, so i get right back into writing. Im talking about how ___________ i have 3/4ths of a page filled when he calls out, "times up! pens down!" "how make sure your names on your paper and pass it forward" "what'd you write about?" i ask Jordan "brody and how we met of course" i mock gag myself as we continue collecting papers "you?" she asks, "oh nothing" i reply and she looks at me puzzled but decides to drop it. "i bet your all wondering why i had you do this excersise?" Mr.Hall asks. "not really" a guy in the back said and we all start to laugh, but Mr.Hall doesn't hear. "I had you guys do this to see how well you are at time management, how strong you each are as writers, spellers and to learn something about each and every one of you." He walks over and picks up a stack of papers and hands them out. "take these home, read them over, or not, just have your parents sign them and return by tomorrow for extra credit 5 points." I don't even bother looking at the form, i stuff it into a folder and pull out a blank sheet of paper and write, what do you think of him? and slide it over to Jordan. She pulls out her favorite pencil and writes something down, and pushes it back towards me, it read, hes pretty cool. i like him best so far. i reply, me too. this class might not be so bad. "Now i want to tell you guys a few things about myself, so you understand my teaching techniques and maybe relate to me even?"  He sits on a stool to the right side of the room, scanning the room looking at each new face waiting for everyone to meet his gaze. "Im 26 graduated from NYU, Im married to a gril named Heather shes 25 and working on her masters degree. We met in High school freshman year, we only had one class together ninth period, English. I was a quiet guy, rarely said much in class, never volunteered, and she was popular, gorgeous, talkative and completely out of my league. I had the biggest crush on her for the longest time and one day she came into ninth period, sobbing her hair a mess, streaks down her face, nobody knew what was wrong later we found out her mother was in a car accident, a pretty severe one, and her dad called her saying he'd be picking her up early. So she immedietly kinew something was wrong, thats why she was so upset in class. But that night her mother passed away and she didnt come to school for a month and when she returned everyone was feeling bad, and giving her "im sorry" looks. which everyone knows just makes you feel worse. So when she sat down next to me that day, i pulled out a sheet of paper and scribbled her a note. It said your beautiful even when your sad, and folded it up. passed it over to her, before i could have a chance to change my mind. i watched her read my note and she broke out into a small sad smile, and replied you just made my day so much better, thank you. and i replied and gave her my email address, which at the time was sportsmasterhall@hotmail.com, and said she could email me anytime if she wanted to talk or needed anything. So she started emailing me, everyday it became and soon we became inseparable. Why i told you think story ? well you get to waste time in class, plus there's a moral to this story. If you never go after what you want, you'll never know what could of been. I could of lost a wonderful eleven years with this woman i now call my wife." Everyone in the room was silent. I was pondering what he said at the end of his story. I think im really going to like this class, even though its day one. We spendt the last few minutes of class talking about random things, sports, music, everyone was firing out questions and Mr.Hall was answering. The period ended and we were now in 4th period history, blah. Theres way to many dates and things you need to remember. Why do I need to know those events later in life? No reason. Unless i want to become a history teacher, which i don't. So this class is useless. Im doodling on my paper just trying to stay conscious as Mrs.Jones covers our first set of notes. Its the first day and we already have a worksheet for homework, ugh goodbye summer i miss you already. I look over at Jordan and shes completely focused on Mrs.Jones lecture about the Boston Tea party. I never understood how or why shes so into history, but atleast she can help me on this homework assignment tonight. I continue to daydream the rest of the period away and before i know it the bells rang. Lunch time, finally. Jordans backing up her things into her bag when her phone vibrates. She pulls it out quick and reads the 1 message instantly having a huge smile on her face. "what?" i ask as we start walking towards the door. "Brody just texted me" Jordan said grinning, "and?" i asked, "saying he misses me and can't wait to see me at lunch" "Aww" i say trying to hide my sarcasm. Im truly happy for Jordan but its truly sickening how adorable they are. "Lets stop at the locker before heading down to lunch" "alright but lets hurry so i can meet Brody" "alright, alright, we'll hurry." We get to our locker and Jordan opens it because Ive yet to memorize our combination. I throw in all this mornings books and grab out my gym clothes bag.

10/5

i want a boyfriend, a legit boyfriend. i miss it, i miss everything about it. i want someone who calls when he says hes going to call, who comes over when he says hes going to, who takes you out places, holds your hand, buys you things even when you insist you'll pay, who listens to what you have to say, makes you laugh, makes you feel pretty, kisses you on your forehead, makes you a priority in his life, holds you when you cry, makes you feel important to him, who would joke with you, opens doors for you, treats you like nothing less than his princess, lets you listen to your music in his car, who surprises you with candy when your sick, would brush your hair out of your face, who would put you before his friends, who would tickle you even when you said not to, lets you borrow your jacket when your cold, who stops by randomly just to say hi, who would watch all your favorite shows with you, who wouldn't hurt you, someone who misses you when your gone, who would just be there for you,
and most importantly, he would love you more than anyone else could, and would never ever break your heart. 

xoxo,
-c

9/30

i failed. tonight. i failed. its been 95 days. i haven't cut in 95 days. but i failed tonight. my wrist is on fire right now. but i feel the best now as ive felt all day.

9/29/11

ive been diagnosed with severe anxiety, two different kinds of it. now lately i have been having these feelings where my hands get all shaky, my heart races, i break out in hives on my chest and my hands. i feel like there isn't enough air to fill my lungs.  it was a really scary feeling, like your suffocating like you can't catch your breathe.i didn't really know what it was, so i searched all my symptoms online, and now i think I'm starting to have panic attacks. because for my anxiety since its so severe i should probably be taking medicine but we can't afford it/my mom doesn't want to take me to the doctor to get it checked out cause its expensive. and they will probably recommend me to a psychiatrist. Part of me wishes she would take me to the doctor, but then part of me doesn't. because im going to have to explain all the problems going on right now with me, and they are going to ask me if ive ever been suicidal, or self harmed. and if i want them to be able to help me, im going to have to tell the truth. and i don't know if i could do that. i don't know what to do. i have nobody to turn to. this sucks.

Day Ten: One confession.

1) i can't do this anymore. im sorry....

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1) (:
2) :/