i know i haven't posted in over a month almost, I've just been busy with a lot of other things. There is no way i could possibly write all of it down here today. But I'm really writing because i honestly feel like I'm going into depression. Not like temporary, but like permanent 'i feel like shit/there is no hope' like that i just don't feel happy, that i just don't feel like myself. That i just lost the real me, and I've changed into a person that i never should of been. But i don't really want to talk about this with anyone. Nobody can really understand this. even though they say they do, they just don't. plus i don't feel like describing/explaining so much detail, it just makes the pain more evident. I just need to let this out, because nobody supports it. i just need to let it go, but i can't . i can't .
I can't deny the fact that i am so aware to your presence, whenever i see you. whenever i am near you, its like all my senses go into overdrive. I still feel that tinge of electricity when your hand touches mine. I still can imagine the way your lips felt when they kissed mine. I can still remember all our moments, the good and the bad. I still remember how deeply utterly i was in love with you.
I can't hide the fact, nobody has ever came close to making me feel the way that you did. I can't hide the fact that seeing you with her still kills me. I can't hide my hurt expression, when you kiss her. It still feels like a dagger going into my heart still. I still sucks knowing i can't be with you. That you. don't. want. me. I guess i feel like i still have hope, because you never said you don't to my face. So part of me is holding on to the 1% chance that you do. Which i know that is crazy, because deep down somewhere i know if you wanted me , you would be with me. I think you still know that i would drop whoever, whatever for you in a second if you were interested.
I know everyone doesn't understand what we had. What i felt. Even though it was awhile ago now, doesn't mean i still don't remember. That i still don't have feelings for you. I can't just forget, forget what we had ever existed. Sometimes i feel like i would be better off if i could. But i can't do that.
You were a big part of my life. A huge part. You were my first legit boyfriend, turned out to be my first love. That's not something i can pretend never happened. I know things fell apart, and the way you treated me and handled things wasn't good. But i wouldn't take it back for a second. I wouldn't erase that. I learned so much from you, that experience, you gave me a lot, but left with a part of me too. A part i don't think I'm going to get back. The day you walked away, you took a part of me. A part of my heart, a part of us, you took all our plans, all our promises and threw them away. Without a second glance back. How could you do that? How could you one day be in love, and the next not care?
I miss the feeling you gave me, the happy, giddy, nothing could be better then this feeling, the feeling someone loved you as much as you loved them, The feeling like you were perfect. like you were flying. You weren't concerned with how high up you were, how much you had to loose. You didn't look down, you didn't look back even for a second.
I just want to wake up one day, and not miss you. Be able to walk by you in the halls and not have a panic attack. not checking to see who your with, or if your looking at me, or if i look okay. I want to be able to move on with my life and only remember this as a faint memory. i want to find someone who loves me as much as i love them. That won't hurt me. That will know how to treat a lady right. Will expect as much out of me, as they would of themselves. I want someone to make me happy, i deserve to be happy. I haven't been genuinely happy in a really long time. most people don't see that or think that, because when they look at me they see me as bubbly, happy, smiley, me. But that doesn't mean I'm that way on the inside, just because i am on the outside. I feel like nobody knows me, or understands me. Like i have nobody here for me. That I'm facing this world entirely on my own.
i haven't been really utterly happy in three years. i have been happy at times, but it never lasts. Something always happens and ruins it and leaves me broken yet again Leaving me with nothing but a memory. Making me think of this one person. Making me miss him. So i guess I'm better off alone. that way i will never get hurt again. That way i can protect myself. That way i never go all in,and get left with nothing. But i miss having someone. I need someone. I need someone to be there for me, to make me laugh, to hangout with, do stupid things with, to kiss, hold hands with, i need someone who is interested in me, and my hectic crazy life. i need someone that will love me, me and all my problems. and wouldn't ask me to change ever. and i will do the same.
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