so im going to write an anonymous letter to someone Ive recently lost in my life, because i have so many things bottled up that i wish i could say to this person, and i know he doesn't want to hear them, but i have to get them out somehow, so here goes nothing...
i dont really know where to start, but here it goes...
Dear Anonymous,
i honestly don't understand what happened to us... are last argument, it was just so stupid. and for that to be what ends us, it just kills me... i don't even know how that argument started? we were fighting about things that happened years ago.. things that you were never mad about, and now your choosing to be mad about them? and honestly it felt like you were just trying to fight with me at that point, because you kept throwing every mistake ive ever made right back in my face, im sorry im not perfect.. but you aren't either. but even when you threw all of my mistakes in my face, i didn't do that back to you, did i? no, i was trying to defend myself? and you said that made me pathetic? i just don't understand.. but its sad thinking that over two years, of us being best friends and more, was thrown away over one stupid argument we had .
but even now, you are telling all these people things that aren't even true about me, just so that everyone will hate me now? why? im leaving you alone, you should be able to leave it be now, im not doing anything to you, so why cant you just stop? The saddest part is , all these people are even believing you now, because they are that immature, and they cant have an opinion for themselves? but ill thank you for that, because now i realize who my real friends are. but it just sucks now, because i can't walk around my neighborhood or just be outside, because im afraid of running into them, and have to deal with all their shit. its not that im afraid of them, by any means. i just don't want to have to defend myself to them, its not worth my time. and i really would rather not run into you every day, because that would be more then i could handle.
some things you said to me, really did hurt me , but i never could let you know that, because that's what you were trying to do, gain some kinda satisfaction out of my pain. i never knew you could hit me at such a low blow... but i was right, you never told anyone my deepest secret even though you threatened me, im happy you didn't, but still threatening that, wasn't okay.. and it really hurt me.
i just don't know what i did to cause this between us, ever... i just wish i knew, then i could try and fix it or something, because for some insane reason i cant get you out of my head... then seeing you yesterday, the first time since are fight, is when it really struck me, that were done, its over, everything... and it didn't even help that you had your shirt off, and were playing basketball, then to make things worse it had to start raining, so freaking sexy. it killed me, i tried to not look your way, i tried to act like i was okay, but it took everything i had to not break down into tears. i can't even explain why, its like every part of me just wanted to go up and talk to you. but you ignoring me, would hurt more then anything.
but its funny cause i bet nobody else would ever guess how much i truly am hurting, because Ive learned to smile, and laugh and be okay when im in front of people, but what they don't know what happens when im by myself, and i just fall apart. but i wonder if when you saw me yesterday, that you could still tell exactly what i was feeling and thinking like you used too because i saw you keep looking my way. but unlike you, im terrible at reading what your thinking, and feeling, and its just so hard.
but just know, that i still think of you every single day, and not the bad things, all the good things, like i can still remember the first time we talked and how you were so mean to me, when you didn't even know me, but then you got to know me, and changed your whole opinion of how you viewed me,now its just making me wonder do you still think of me as all those things? just do you remember how you told me everyday , how much you loved me, how beautiful you thought i was, and how you always told me i wasn't fat, you gave me piggy back rides, you held my hand in front of your friends, you would always hangout with me if you could, you picked me over your friends, you didn't treat me any differently when we were with your friends, you held me and let me cry in your arms, you always were there for me best as you could be, you listened to me talk for ever about nothing, you can always make me laugh, but as easily can make me cry, you counted every time you ever kissed me, but its like that list can go on forever and ever, but now its like all these bad things are happening in my life, and with us,
i know we have been through a ton of bad things, but that's how we got through them, because we were together, and now that we aren't its just like im facing the world alone, and it was so much better when it was us against the world... there's just so many things i wish i could talk to you about, because im going through so much, and i really don't know who i can turn to..
i just miss you is all, and i wish i could do something to change this, but i really don't think there's anything i can do, you were the one to end this, so it should be you who fixes it? shouldn't it...
but babe, you don't even know how easily it would be for you to fix things, just simply say your sorry, and you know id be right back in your arms. <3
so i continue this letter on and on, but the bottom line here babe, i guess im just waiting for the day, that you realize what a mistake you made..
but until then, no matter all the things that were said, just know that i will always be here for you, no matter what happens. if you ever need me, i will be there in a heartbeat.
- i will always love you, courtney.
i gave you everything i ever had to give and that wasn't enough to even make you stay.. well your no good for me anyway.. </3
No comments:
Post a Comment